windows to my soul

2006-04-25T23:14:00.000+08:00

I dont understand why other people has to clean up other ppl's mess. Yeah. It sucks.

Anyway, went out with B just now. Had dinner as planned but skipped the movie. I wasn't really in the mood. Upset. Angry. Disappointed. I dunno. All in one I guess. So basically it was window shopping after that while I tried to find my inner peace. Had a talk with him at the Memorial Park. That's where he did his magic once again. Made all the tears disappear and bring that smile and laughter back to me. And then I needed chocolates to get rid of this minor acute depression. B bought me this 1kg of Australia's No 1 Nougat and a box of Ferrero Prestige over at The Cocoa Tree. And Daddy bought me 2 bars of my fav choc... The next time I'm meetin B, he'll sure say I've grown chubbier!

2006-04-25T09:31:00.000+08:00

I'm a fuckin stupid girl. What a let down. At least I know my place now. And the truth eventually hurts when you think back.

2006-04-22T01:14:00.000+08:00

Damn it la.. what the hell! I never expected things to turn out this bad. Ever since year 3 started, there's the issue of fyp grouping. Like suddenly I'm in a different place. Things I never knew existed, I got to know about them. And I thought everything's a fair game. And I thought the competition in poly though it's quite tough in my course, is just not as bad as those in JCs where you suddenly see the backstabbing and all in the 2nd year. I guess this is it? Final year and all the true colours show up. I'm just totally pissed off about this...

responsibilities. cant run away from it. but right now i juz wish i can let all them go.

2006-04-09T11:03:00.000+08:00

I've found out what I needed to know. There can't be more lies can it? I don't know why but it hurts a little. That pang of jealousy, it caught me by surprise. But all the more it gives me a reason not to look back, no matter how sweet the memories were. Afterall, sweeter memories can be created with someone new. And he's been sweet enough. Ydae he was so thoughtful in his actions that I juz couldn't help smiling at him all d way, knowing he keeps me in his heart and mind with his every action.

There's much to be said. Mak Long has returned to Allah. She'd been through a short but painful journey fighting leukemia. After 7 months of suffering from acute lymphocytic leukemia, she returned to the world of eternity. The 2nd last time I visited her in hospital, it pained me so much just to look at her and the last time I visited her in hospital, she was already in coma. I left for a while cuz I had been there since morning, only to find out about an hour later after I left, she has left the world. It's a great loss to everybody.

4 more days to go to end of ITP. So far, it's been quite an enriching experience. Exposure to the kind of life I'll be living, and also how bad the politics can be in working life. Looking forward to start of school? I'm not really sure cuz I've taken a look at my new timetable and it's so hectic, I can only work 2 days a week... but I sure do miss my friends.... Can't wait to see them again.

Work at CL's been okay. Getting more comfortable being in the service floor already. My knowledge about wine is gradually increasing but it's still very minimal and I don't really have full confidence in serving wine yet. I kinda love doing bar and bar closing, with the exception of making cocktails.

Currently everything's going smoothly.. and I hope it remains that way.. :)

2006-03-18T11:40:00.000+08:00

Dear Diary,

I've come to update you again. Yesterday was my last day at CP dept. Fortunately for me, I get to see interesting stuffs yesterday. It was the first time I saw a cornea, and the first time I held a bag of large intestine. The samples came from the window via hand, and I was checking thru d list. Was holding that bag of large intestine and then it suddenly hit me... What the hell was I holding? My first thought was that I was holding a brain. I mean with the grooves and blood.. I thought it was a brain.. but no, it was a large intestine.

Work at CL was sickening last night. Something happened which got me so pissed. I know I'm still not very knowledgable in this type of service and I don't mind if they sometimes question my capabilities. I know nuts about wines and alcoholic beverages but I sure do know how to fire food when I'm told to. I don't mind if I were to be scolded for something wrong that I did. But to be mocked and blamed as if I couldn't perform a single At least it was justified. I had planned to work till finish but I requested to go home early cuz I bet the longer I were to stay, things might fly and glasses might break. I was downright angry that tears of anger were flowing. Yeah... so after I left the workplace I went straight to Aman's workplace. I just knew he would make things right. Like I told you he has his ways of bringing the smile back to my face... and so he did! In less than 2 hours I was back to a happy mood.

Anyway dear Diary, I'm going to play a make up artist today! Gonna doll my cousin up for her D&D. Haha.. 3 years back it was her dolling me up..now it's meee turn.. kekee.. I'm so excited.... okay dear diary.. I'm gonna stop here. WIll update you more alriteyy dear diaryy...

Signing off,
Nurul.

2006-03-16T19:25:00.000+08:00

Dear Diary,

I have been abandoning you for too long haven't I? Fear not dear Diary, cuz I'm updating you again.

Well dear Diary, it's two weeks into my attachment at TTSH.
I was attached to the blood banking department for the first week. It's been an enriching experience. Well, I didn't get to do much in that department compared to back when I was attached to Doc's Lab. However, they really do teach me a lot and they let me do practicals on tested specimens and they'll supervise me when I'm doing tests on new specimens. Fine enough I guess. At least I learnt a lot there in a week. Satisfying enough. Btw the Blood Banking dept is an all-girls dept, and they are all very sweet. I like!
This week, I'm attached to the Central Processing department. It's pretty simple actually. Not that much to learn compared to Blood Banking. Wallis, the person who was in charge of the attachment students for the CP dept, even finished teaching me in two days. Reason because he's on leave for two days this week and so he tried to finish teaching what he's supposed to cover for me. Sucha responsible guy.. hmm.. I like! haha.. So yeah, I'm getting quite bored with the things that I'm doing there but hey! I'm fitting in very well with the people there. Uncle Rodrigues is one person worth mentioning. He's one person who'll make you smile. Dear Diary, Uncle Rod has been working in TTSH for bout 40 years and he has lots of stories to share and so I took the opportunity to know stuffs bout working in the hospital. Tomorrow's my last day in CP and then I'm moving on to Haematology dept.

Anyway dear Diary, that's it about attachment so far. I'm gonna talk about my pt job now. So far things are okay lah. They rarely put me as runner anymore. Now I'm on the service floor more often. Dear Diary, I've learnt how to open a wine bottle already but I've yet to try opening them in front of guests.
Dear Diary, yesterday, the restaurant was full house. No walk-ins. No reservations. We had three functions going on.
1 room for 21 pax. another room for 44 pax. and another room for.. I'm not quite sure actually. Well that's not the point. The point was that I was assigned to taking care of the function with 44 pax and specifically, I was in charge of the juices. But at the end of the day, there were some misunderstanding between the guest and my manager and they refused to pay for the juices cuz they did not believe that they had that $800 worth of juices (5 jars). THey thought my manager just came up iwth the figure 5 and overcharged him for hte juices. But I somehow I just felt guilty, that I had not delivered my task well and so, I broke down. I was trying hard not to break down in front of my colleagues bt I couldn't stop the tears and I guess some of them saw it. I was so glad that Man offered to meet me last night cuz he said he missed me. And so dear diary, I just cried my heart out on his shoulders. And he has his ways of bringing back the smile to my face so I went home a happier girl after all last night, despite what happened.

Well, that's all that I have to say now dear Diary. Will update you again when I'm free. Love you dear Diary....

Signing off,
a bored Nurul.

2006-03-02T11:39:00.000+08:00

Retribution works in a funny funny way. I guess what goes around really does come around.

I've always believed there's a reason on why you meet certain people. I've always believed that the people you meet, get to know, will serve a purpose in your life, one way or another. Whether the person's gonna make a major impact in your life, or minor, is for you to find out as time goes by.

There shouldn't have been any reason that I met him. We were once total strangers, and linked, by one distant person. The chances of us meeting were like as close as zero. And the fact that be bored me to death further decreases the chances of us getting together. But the Almighty has His ways. With a twist of situations, things were turned around, and we were brought together. For retribution.

2006-02-25T14:52:00.000+08:00

2 down, 1 more to go.
I can't fucking wait.
And I fucking need a fucking holiday.
I feel so fucking dying to get out of here.
Staying in the country trapped with a fucking way of life has made me so fucking crazy I need to fucking get outta here.

Fucking help me out, wont ya?

2006-02-09T23:55:00.000+08:00

Hmm.. been leaving this thing a little rusty yea...

lots has happened, bt since they've been over for too long, i'l juz cover briefly on d major events..

ice skating with the poly mates was good. i kinda gt d basics so i can ice-skate a little already. oh yeah, i fell once only, n tt's thanks to especially edmund, n d rest for saving me countless times.

the beach outing with the childhood mates was just absolutely fantastic. nothing could beat that. we had picnic, games, building sandcastles, bathing in d sea n mini-bbq. n at night met up w aman n he taught me rollerblading. unlike edmund, he doesn't try to save my every fall bt then again, u learn best thru pain.

i gt posted to ttsh for this hol's attachment. exam's just around the corner, and right now i'm busy working. hah. it's getting better la.. i go to the service floor much more often now. new thigns to learn everyday...

and then.. urm urm.. yeah, my aunt gt admitted for leukemia again. just pray tt she'l get well soon..

and then there's stuffs tt gt me pissed off real bad... things which im nt satisfied about.. bt yeah.. i'l juz keep mum la huh..

i juz cant wait... for what to be over ah? i also dunoe seyy.. exams? no nt rili.. it'l be d attachemnts after d exams. waiting for d attachments to be over? no nt rili.. it'll be school again, with my final yr project.. wait for sch to b over? no nt rili.. cuz then i'l have to work full time already... gah~! there's no turning back now... the ressponsibilities are coming ahead at full speed..

life. is. just. something. for. you. to. fulfill.
and. when. it's. all. over.
it's. all. over.
the. human. brain. is. amazing.
you. believe. what. you. wish. to. believe.
and. you'l. keep. running. away. from. the. truth.
until. the. truth. smacks. you. right. in. the. face.
and hurts. you. real. bad. bad. bad. bad. bad. bad. bad. bad.

okay.
i confess.
i'm tired.

2006-01-27T12:37:00.000+08:00

10 things

1 thing about school.

* I got posted to TTSH for my attachment this holiday.

3 things about work.

* I broke 2 glasses last night.
* Yesterday was Hogan's last day at Coriander. He managed to secure a full time job at another restaurant in Little India. I'm gonna miss him
* There was this new cleaner and he asked for my age and when I said eighteen, he said I'm still immature. What non-thinking generalizing asshole. There you go.

5 things about my social life.>

* Met my sis since a long time and we had a good time catching up. Thanks for the make-up remover..
* I'm going for ice-skating with the clique after GEMS… gonna have fun and then back to school for the CLS reunion dinner.
* Looking forward to go out with Aman on Sunday…. Miss him already.
* I'm super duper excited about Monday cuz I'll be meeting the seven dwarves for a picnic at ECP… Weeeeeeeee… for once, an outing for the seven of us!
* Having a study date with the bestie again tomorrow.

2 random useless facts aboutme

* I'm down with flu. And it was just two weeks ago that I fell ill.
* I'm gonna get a new phone next week latest! Can't wait. Gonna start paying for my own phone bills already.

2006-01-25T14:59:00.000+08:00

Had a study date with the bestie last night at BK CPP. Somehow we would always end up talking about the future whenever we meet up. She seemed so excited at the idea of settling down, but whenever I think about it, I always end up with a headache. Through her, I see whom I used to be. Sometimes I just miss myself whenever I look at her. The effort she puts in for the current relationship, the level of happiness she's having whenever she's with him, how he's her pillar of strength... What she has now is equivalent to what I had then. Just hope that it's for her to keep forever. She deserves that happiness.

Anyway, I have no idea what on Earth I was doing, raking up evidences of the past in my mailbox. Bringing back forgotten, happy, memories.

How I wish life's much simpler.

On a happier note, I'm so looking forward to Monday. A day at the beach, never done before, with the girls and the boys. May it be a day of sunshine and happiness.

Young girl don't cry,
I'll be right here when your world starts to fall..

2006-01-23T20:07:00.000+08:00

The workplace has been a stressful place to be at last week, with Tony having his bad moods. You've gotta be on full guard, and even the slightest mistake will cost you your potential working hours.

The weekends have been the highlight of last week.
Saturday morning, Aman picked me up from Hg and then we took a bus ride to Bugis where we had our lunch and watched Memoirs of a Geisha. It's kinda an interesting movie, and I personally liked it. Dinner-ed together and then he sent me off to work. I thought that was it, but he picked me up after work n I get to spend a little bit more time with him before he sent me home. It's one of the rare moments that I get to spend almost d whole day with him, given his busy work schedule. I'm so satisfied, yeah.

Spent my Sunday with my girl bestie. I had this $40 Swensen's voucher and I picked her to be the one to enjoy it with me cuz she's more of a food lover compared to Aman. We went to T2 Swensen's and shared sirloin steak, cheesy beef burger, seafood mushroom chowder and an ice house. I'm so satisfied, again, yeah. After that we went to study at BK. There was a cute guy there and we had a good time eyeing him. Lost all concentrations. Hahaha.. As always, whenever I'm with her, there's bound to be hilarious moments and I truly had a good time laughing.

And today, lessons as per normal in school. The ITP placement list is out and I'm hoping to go to Raffles Hospital for this round of attachment, due to its proximity to Clarke Quay. I wouldn't mind being posted to a polyclinic bt I'm just afraid that I will not be able to perform phlebotomy successfully. Yeah, spent the whole of Biostatistics lesson surfing the net on stuffs related to my course and amazingly, 2/3 of the class planned to skip the last lecture of the day, and so we did. My goodness...

2006-01-20T15:09:00.000+08:00

I know you've been lurking around outside my door.

I don't know what else do you want after all your harsh words on that night.
Friendships last forever but relationships don't.
I thought it summarises everything.
And I thought it strongly brings the message that you did not want us to be in contact anymore.

But if there's something that's really itching you
And you've gotta say it out,
Dial my number till I answer your call,
And then tell me what is it that you wanted to tell me.

It's either you gather your guts now,
Or nothing.
I'm not gonna be the one going the extra mile to fix things anymore.

2006-01-15T22:37:00.000+08:00

I haven't been blogging lately coz there's nothing much to blog about cuz i've just been handling the usuals such as school and work. Hardly met Aman for the past two weeks cuz we're both busy with our hectic schedule. Fell ill on Thurs night till the whole of Friday. Yeah, but I'm feeling so much better now I felt like dancing the moment I kinda recovered on Fri night.

Anywayyy... today's probably the highlight of the month.

I met Sha for the NTU talk today, bt eventually, I do not think I'll go to NTU to pursue a degree in my course. I have no plans to change course in the degree level yet, so if I could not find or do not manage to enter a degree program which suits my needs then I'll just stick with my plans of starting work first after graduating from polytechnic.

ANyhOo, we went to ECP after that. I love the promising peacefulness and calmness that the beach always deliver to my heart. A true Cancerian indeed. heh. We both each had a glass bottle with us and soon enough, both of us were collecting seashells and sands in the glass bottle to be presented to our special ones as a gift. We having so so much fun, we didn't feel like 18 at all. Something fucking hilarious happened that I was so assured that Sha's gonna be an excellent warning system. I laughed for God knows how long, laughed till I coughed and puked (actually they were mostly my flams). I was stunned for a moment and stopped laughing when I saw whatever came out of my mouth coz 2/3 of it were red in colour, and when I realised that they were the colour of the nasi Briyani I had for my lunch earlier, I started laughing hysterically once again. At the end of the day, both of us were officially beat.

You know how to appreciate me
I must stick with you
My baby
Nobody ever made me feel this way
I must stick with you

2006-01-01T13:51:00.000+08:00

And so, 2005's come and gone. 2005's been a heavy chapter of my life. The year when I had my best emotional uplift, the year when I put in all of my effort in that particular relationship I had, and it was also the year when I had to go through the worst emotional turmoil. So yeah, basically I juz wanna close that chapter forever, and start anew this 2006. Let go of my sorrows, anger, hatred that I had and begin the new things that I have now with an open heart and open mind.

The eve of the new year was started by leaving my job at Swensen's. Heh? Then I joined my bestie for a shopping spree at Metro's Warehouse Sale over at Singapore Expo. Woohooo~! Sha totally went krazee over there. As for myself, I did more of lingerie shopping cuz not much of the clothes there really suits me.

I spent the later part of the day with Aman. Double date with Sha and Wan. Watched the fireworks from Esplanade. It was B-E-A-U-T-I-F-U-L. Left the place at 130am and me and Aman went over to Mica building to have a quiet time on our own. There, he just listened to every single thing that I had to say. I confessed every sin that I did behind his back, tell him everything that's on my heart and mind. Yeah, I wanna have a fresh, new clean start with him. My best effort has already been given away, but there's no reason not to try to give him the 2nd best.

and it's a new year with new opportunities.....
have a great year ahead ~!
muackzzz
xoxo

2005-12-30T13:19:00.000+08:00

Changed. There's still some editting that needs to be done but I'l just save it for another day.

Anyhoo, just wanna thank Sha for being there for me last night. For wiping my tears, and for making me feel better. And thanks to Man too, for putting that smile back on my face. He's always there for me, putting up with me, no matter how shitty I get.

You know sometimes in life, it doesn't pay to care that much. It doesn't matter how good your intentions were. It's pointless, and it's futile to even care. For all you know, all that you'll get back, is a blast in the ears.

Don't rake up the past. I'm erasing all memories with you. You don't even need to worry about me touching your 'untouchable' friends. Coz you know what... I WON'T EVEN TOUCH YOU OR YOUR FRIENDS ANYMORE. Enough is enough.

On a lighter note, I'm resigning from Swensen's tomorrow. Yeah. Can't take this shit no more. I'm sure the people there would be glad that I'm finally leaving. Heh. Most probably I'l be known as the girl who kept on changing guys. Haha. Like whatever. If you don't know what's going on, just keep your mouth shut. Bloody place full of hypocrites! I'm gonna miss working with Sha and Bob though..

I've been a lil out of touch with my guy bestiee... but I sure do had fun chattin with him d other night. Crap as always. Like hello.. what has fishermen fucking fishes gotta do with the tsunami hitting Aceh? hahaha.. I'm loving this friendship I have with him.. and hey hey.. it's 5years already. =)

2005-12-22T21:37:00.000+08:00

I don't understand why it has to be now.. really, I don't.
I don't understand why it couldn't be back then... when I really needed to hear those words, when I really needed those words from you for emotional support.
When I could still hold on...
I totally don't get it why I'm hearing those words from you now that I took a different turn.
A turn which I took in order to pick myself up after all those times you left me on the floor, begging n pleading for you to pick me up..
I'm sorry if those words broke your heart. Maybe someday... if you get what I mean, yeah.

2005-12-19T01:50:00.000+08:00

Worked today. Swensen's. 12-6.
Freaking busy n some of the custs are freaking bitchy pls?
heh. Whatever lah huh!

Anw, had a double dinner date w Sha. Wasn't planned. Haha.. my goodness.. Man was like so freaking shy.. never seen him so quiet before. hahakz.. We're gonna have a double date again on the 27th.
yah yah.. but he was back to his chatterbox self once we were on our own.
Watched The Descent. It's a suspense/thriller. The beginning wasn't much but the suspence picked up from there.. i give it.. 3.5/5 stars.

Then we were juz chilling by boat quay, enjoying the night breeze. Thoughts wandered off, tears fell, jus thinkin bout my failed rlsp with my first love. The efforts pumped in, n how badly I fell... it jus hurts so much, i'm afraid tt i'l be in tt position once again.. N it's nice to have someone wipe your tears for you once again. And Man being Man, he would talk nonsense to make me smile once again. Sweet. I'm rili thankful to him for not quittin on me no matter how many times i treid to walk out the door, and for being there for me..

I gues I'm happy with the way I am now, bt I cant deny tt a part of me still have not yet been able to digest d fact tt I'm with someone new now. I've been so used to being with Haikel, so familiar iwth his ways n d way things were, tt it feels weird to be doing the same things with another person and feel different. Funny, but somehow, in a way, I feel that I've betrayed our love, though we've officially separated. Haikel, forgive me for leaving..

2005-12-18T09:55:00.000+08:00

Holidays are like finally here... yippee~!
I've like 5 reports to do, datasheets, tutorials, online quizzes and of course, not forgetting, gotta study for 3 modules for their tests when school reopen.
Man~ thinking bout them juz gets my adrenaline rushing..

Worked at Coriander Leaf last night. It was my first time being a station runner. Like finally get to be on the service floor. But it was much of a pressure yesterday. The system is like totally different from Swensen's and there's new stuffs to learn. I'll just take one step at a time to learn.

Anw, after the last entry that I posted, I had some heavy thoughts bout my rlsp. Sha was there to listen to me and I'm very thankful for that. I had a good time with her sitting in front of the small field, under the stars and just having a good girl-to-girl, heart-to-heart talk. I guess things have changed for the better. Man's been controlling his anger n tt's gd cuz I respond to you the way you respond to me. I'm learning to have more faith in us.

and, and, i'm wishing sani a v gd luck on his mission to get d girl of his dreams. hahakz.. nvm tt i failed in making him stay to chat with me longer.. see lah.. u treasure ppl but they dont treasure u tt much.. lol.. kidding aite bro!

and, i have a packed schedule ahead, so forgive me if i go MIA again.
take care lovers.
muackz.

2005-12-14T08:41:00.000+08:00

Right from the beginning I knew there was something amiss about us, but I couldn't quite put my finger on what it is. Sure, we do get along, we share laughters and joy when we're together, just as long as we don't cross the grounds of disagreement. We have issues between us which have not really been addressed properly. We have a difference in ideas. We have a difference in personalities. This boat's gonna face many storms. Why don't we just take the exit?

and it's amazing how I just quit on things...

2005-12-12T14:20:00.000+08:00

Skipped school today cuz I was feeling too sleepy due to lack of sleep during the weekends. It was totally silly today. I was actually already on the way to school when I decided at Outram Park station that I could not go to school in that state. Hence, I turned my back around and went home instead.

Had a date with Man yesterday after work. We watched Harry Potter & the Goblet of Fire. THe movie was nice. Everything was fine. Won't be meeting him again till Sunday, on my request cuz I wanna study for my tests this week. Endure la huh... bt I'l sure be missin him.

I juz gotta stop comparing. I can't expect this to be d same as d previous one. They're two different people.

2005-12-10T10:46:00.000+08:00

Sometimes in life you just gotta walk ahead and not turn back.

I'm sorry you had to find it out this way instead of me telling you. I'm sorry if it hurts you. But I've learnt to love myself more and my priority is to make myself happy and not let anyone else hurt me anymore. I wouldn't let them, no matter who they are. And even if I do get hurt by anyone, I wouldn't show it to them, cuz showing that you're hurt, is a sign of weakness, and a victory to the person who hurt you.

tsk tsk.. such a numb heart. Whatever happened, I wonder?

2005-11-30T18:39:00.000+08:00

My goodness... Love's difficult to explain isn't it?

Sometimes I question myself if I've totally let go of what I had for Haikel. There are times when I really am convinced that I've moved on. Yet, there are times when I just look at his picture and my heart starts to race once again and I'll just look at his picture for some time and the memories start coming back again. That's when I really question if I've really moved on. I guess not. Not totally. Not fully.

I really do miss the times I had with Haikel. I just love his company. He reads more than me, and he loves the news and he'll be the one telling me stuffs which I don't know. I was totally myself when I was with him. I never was afraid to show my silliness and I could talk to him bout anything. I miss every single moment of the times that I was with him back then.

Haikel still contacts me whenever he's in Singapore waters. We talk on the phone but the conversations are mainly bout life on board.. like yeah.. of cuz I can't blame it on him since he's like separated from the world we're in. His life now revolves around the waters and ships. I don't mind listening to his stories bout ships and everything concerning his work but sometimes I wish that I still could hear him call me Sayang. I wish that I could still hear him profess his love for me, if he still does.

Not that I'm not getting on well with Man.. It's gonna be a month soon. It's just a wonder how we are getting on this fine when there's a part in each of us which still can't let go of our ex. However I don't feel as much with Man as I do when I was with Haikel. I hardly get jealous. I don't see a need to talk to him every single night or meet him often. I even feel that it's alright to go out one on one with other guys. But I guess I feel appreciated by Man. I do feel for him, but just not as much. Honestly speaking, I have no idea where's the boat gonna bring me and Man to.. but I'll enjoy the ride while it lasts.

2005-11-28T13:57:00.000+08:00

hey hey!!!
hear me say this!
you havent heard this in a long time...
I'M STRESSED UP...

The tests coming up in d next two weeks..
datasheets to handle with every single week..
double jobs to juggle with...
there's just way too many stuffs on my mind..
Stuggling for time. Seriuzly.

This is only week 5...
Lookin forward to week 8...
for the break. yeah. for the break.
ineedafreakinbreak!

2005-11-27T09:01:00.000+08:00

The past two days had been great. Work at CL on Friday was much better. Get to know a few more other part-timers. One of them happened to be my senior at XMS, and she was a vice head prefect then. So far.. so good. I just hope it gets better.

Saturday... finally met up with Man again. He's been busy with work lately so we didnt really had the chance to meet up. The last I met him before yesterday was last Sunday and I bet if it wasn't for my Swensen's shirt that I accidentally left with him the last time I met him, we wouldn't have met yesterday. So far things are okay between us. He bit my arm again yesterday but luckily there's no blue black this time. heh. trrrry again mister!

After that short meeting with Man, I headed to Pasir Ris to meet up with my pri sch mates. Gathering at Cikgu Shahira's house.. Had loads of fun catching up with cikgu. Haaa.. she's like finally attached!!!! I'm so happy for her, I hope the relationship leads to marriage and that they live happily ever after.. keke.. Cikgu fed us really well... d food was yummy too tt almost everyone had a second serving, despite their huge first serving.

Rusydi had to leave early and then the six of us went to TM. Had earthquake and fries at Swensen's, and then took neoprints. And then we were just walking around in TM, and we saw this crowd at Starhub's outlet. There were some freebies giveaway by two guys dressed up in roman clothes. It inspired the four of us to take photos with them, but in the end I took photos alone with them... damn embarrassing laa.. but I was soooooo happy cuz one of the guys was so cutee.. hahahakz..

K-rul's going NS next sun.. haha.. gosh! Seems just like yesterday I was sitting in d same class as him and now he's all grown up and going to NS already. Sha, if you're hurting to stay, then leave... don't look back to the past happy memories cuz the present is the fact of how things are now. Yes, it's gonna hurt real bad, but it won't be as bad compared to the hurt accumulated if you'r to stay. I love you grrls..

2005-11-24T22:13:00.000+08:00

I'm in a super lazy mode these few days. Dreading each day that comes by. I don't feel like doing anything else besides catching up on my sleep, and eating. I'm lazy to work but I have to work. I wanna catch up on my school work but I hardly have the time to and when I do, I'm too lazy to do it. Like oh my... what's happening to me?

What I really feel lik doing now is stopping the world clock and let everything freeze while I hibernate. Tata.

2005-11-23T19:11:00.000+08:00

Had my first day at Coriander Leaf yesterday. There was another new girl just like me, so it wasn't so bad laa. Hydia. She looks like she's in her teens but she's alrd like 23? Man... So lucky. Hmm.. Well, first day started out okay at first, though the first person I met wasn't very welcoming at all. And it was that very same person who changed my mood for the day. It's either he's just like that or he has something against me. Whatever it is, I choose to just ignore and avoid him as much as possible, and for now I would not give up the job just because of his coldness. Otherwise, all the other staffs are pretty nice and professional. and there's much to learn. Lentil dip? Labne? Aubergine Von au Vent? Mezze? Yahh.. gotta rmmbr all these weird names and more man... psst.. n some of the staffs are pretty cute too.. hahaha... omg.. okie.. i dun wanna think bout it n let my imaginations run wild. Hah. Gotta be disciplined now aite.. haha.. =)

take care lovers.

two weeks into the new chapter

2005-11-21T00:05:00.000+08:00

Tonight my heart bleeds for the last time for you.
And after tonight, this wound will heal, and a scar will form.
A scar, which will remind me that you once were a very important part of my life.
A scar, which will remind me of the sorrows and happiness that we both shared.
A scar, which will remind me, that I once loved you with all my heart.
No matter what, I'll still care for you.
Stay in touch, love.

2005-11-19T19:49:00.000+08:00

Went for the interview at Coriander Leaf on Thurs. The restaurant is like wow.. very homely and elegant. Fine dining. I don't know if I'l be able to perform, but I will learn. I got the job and will be starting on Tuesday. Hmm.. there's more Malays guys than expected ah. Aiyo.. jgn buat hal lagi dah Nurul..

Was already having mild fever on Friday... pushed myself to work. Busy ah. I was so tired after work tt I didnt have d strength to walk. Asked dadd to pick me up from work n then crashed the whole night, woke up with high fever this morning. Temperature went up to as bad as 39.5 deg cel. Hari Raya outing supposedly schedule today was posponed to next Sunday.

Wish me well soon cuz I cant take d heat..

2005-11-15T08:29:00.000+08:00

I was a very happy girl yesterday. Hee~
Like finally heard from Sani sey! Exchanged a few SMS-es... but tt was enough for me to know that the bond is still there.

I'm growing FAT alright! Ha! Went to Clementi's Pizza Hut for lunch yest. Spent up to 80 bucks. Pizzas, chicken drumlets, garlic bread, fish o's. Oh yeah.. the new bbq chicken pizza is tasty. Recommended!!

Then, had to skip the last two classes cuz I had to go home to get my locker key to pass to Sha since she's working yest. Met her at Hg MRT at ard 4.45pm and omg.. i started talking non-stop. Missed her like krazee ar... Sent her off to work, and parted with a kiss... ngehehehe...

and then!!!! the last thing that made my day was... I went for a shopping spree at Queensway S.C. I've been DYING to go shopping man! Actually wanted to get the Adidas jacket but had a hard time gettin it so I juz gave up on it. So I got myself new pair of jeans n a cardigan.

I've expected this. It was just a matter of time. Just to let you know, I'm willing to let go for your happiness.

2005-11-14T06:30:00.000+08:00

Went out with David on Sat. Totally unplanned. It was like he just gave me a call that morning, asked me out and hey, we met again, after like 2 months of not meeting each other. He looks different now. Ha. We're just friends now. Had a good time with him teasing each other. Caught Just Like Heaven with him at Bugis. It's recommended! Go catch it. Yep yepp.. things are cool between us.

Yiting's bdae party at the chalet was fantastic. Enjoyed myself there. Great food. Had a great time bbq-ing. And I was elated to see my ex-colleagues from Doc's Lab once again. Totally enjoyed myself there.

I'm missing people. The important ones in my life. My girls. Sani. Sya. Haikel. Wonder how they're doing. Really really missing them.

It's funny how sucky I felt last night after work. Funny how I suddenly hate the idea of having no one to walk me home from work anymore. It felt weird to see him walk away instead of walking beside me like it used to be. It was never meant to be serious. We never talked on the phone. We never went out together. It was just at the workplace. But still, he was sweet. The things he did, the times that he was there for me, it was all in the actions and the little2 stuffs and never in the words. I never thought I'd feel this down when I broke up with him, since he was just a part time. Now I look at him from afar, knowing that a part of me wants him, but hey, some stuffs are just better left unsaid, and untouched.

Am I hating the kind of life I "missed"? Just give me time...

2005-11-08T21:10:00.000+08:00

School today was relaxing. Had one session of practical and that's the end of the school day. Fendi came down to have lunch with us after which he left for work and we went out. One thing about us, is that we have problem coming to a decision. We spent quite some time in the comp lab deciding on what movie to watch and location of d cinema to watch d movie. Made our way to Shaw building, got our tix and then shopped for Yiting's bdae gift. Again, we took so long to decide which gift to get for her. It was after 1.5 hrs of search tt we finally got her a matching accessories set. Caught Sky High @ Lido. Nice movie. Recommended.

Met Sha at City Hall to collect my locker key. Been some time since we met up and had a good talk, though we work at the same place. Yeah. Many things shared. Many things discovered. And again, my heart's not in peace. I don't feel right. It wasn't meant to be this messy.

One thing I never quite understood since Haikel left was how I never fail to keep getting myself into messy situations. It kept coming, one after another, mess after mess. I guess I need to be tied down. And now that I'm tied down, I need some time to adjust. I need some time to clear the mess and piece my life back to pieces again.
I don't exactly have any idea how to clear the mess. I mean, I could justify to myself on what I did. Shine the limelight on emotional instability. Shine the limelight on the stupid things I do to get back up on my feet. But they are no solid reasons to be affecting others. I've been selfish.

2005-11-04T09:08:00.000+08:00

A happy Hari Raya to all... hope you guys had a good celebration yesterday, like I did.

Deepavali was spent at home in the day, doing last minute baking. After that went to break fast with dearie Sya at MS Food Loft. Haaaa.. her bro's lookin good.. ;)
Was supposed to meet up with Haikel but last minute shit cropped up so I met Zaki instead. Collected my stationaries tt I accidentally left with him.

It was basically a short day at school on Wednesday. Went out after that, just slacking around.

and yesterday was one helluva gooooood day. Had my relatives coming over to my place. It was nice having d house noisy once in a while. Took loads of pictures n had loads of fun with my nephews n nieces n cousins n uncles n aunties... hur hur hur.. This year's Hari Raya collection is nt tt much.. In fact it didnt even hit a hundred bucks.. but hey, the celebration is what matters.

To all friends, Selamat Hari Raya, Maaf Zahir & Batin...

It's been a long time.

2005-11-01T01:51:00.000+08:00

First dayyyy of school.. was simply just GREAT. haha.. It felt so gooooooood to be back in school once again! Seeing the friends once again.. sitting in classes and dozing off.. *oops*

I carried a thin file along with me to school since there's nothing much to bring. The best part was that I brought home a file with an extension.. Received a huge stack of notes.. I hadta buy a file strap so that d notes dont fall off and everything... hahahaha..... N i went to town after school so I was practically dragging that bulky thing around with me!!

Anywayy.. I had fun today...!!!! Met that kambeng at 545pm, Raffles place. Took d train down to Orchard, walked ard a lil, got my stationaries from Kino, n break fast at BK. Walked all d way fr Orchard to Clarke Quay.. chilled there.. and yeah, the sight at Boat Quay on a Monday night is beautiful. Made our move at 1am.. hah.. when was d last time that I had this much fun?.. i'm lovin it!!!

2005-10-30T11:02:00.000+08:00

Been quite some time huh?
Well, from where I left off, I've been busy working during my 3rd wk of holiday.
Morning at the lab and nights spent at the restaurant. Even then, I don't always go home straight after work. Been so busy that I hardly had time for myself. My eating habits and sleeping patterns gone wrong. I look horrible ah.. haha.. eyebags. swollen eyes. n lost 5kgs. hiak hiak hiak.. instant formula to loss of weight huh?

Good news was that I only hadta work for 2 days at the restaurant for my last week of holidays, though I requested for 5 working days. Heh. I think she's got a problem with me, really. I've got company now.. so yeah, I guess it wasn't so bad anymore. And, and of course, with more free time, I have more time to eat.. and, and,.. i gained back 2kgs... GRR.. the 3kgs will be regained during hari raya.. hahaha..

Well anyway, yesterday was my last day of attachment at Doctor's Lab. We exchanged gifts... n somehow that stuffed toy they gave me made me feel sad. Sad tt I wont be wrking with them anymore. Seriously, they're a nice bunch of ppl to work with. Though we'r only attached there for a month, they gave us so much warmth. The friendliness was more than expected. We went out for dinner together on fri night aft work. Had a gd time laughing my ass off man..

The attachment has somehow make me have an idea what to do with my future. Rekindled my interest in wanting to know more about stuffs. Gave me more hope in the path that I've chosen.

And so.. it's gonna be back to school again. As always, I would always look forward to the start of school. haha. This Monday is gonna be a Monday that I'm looking forward to.

Fast isn't it? It seemed like yesterday that I first stepped into Doctor's Lab. 3 more days and it'll be the end of the fasting month. It seemed like just yesterday that I picked up smoking. It seemed like yesterday that he left. Now it's 3 months after. I'm picking myself well, I guess. I dunno. I'm just dealing with a split personality here. I made a vow to let go of my past. Yeah yeah.. my ex hasnt been paying me as promised but yet, I'm not after her though I'm dry financially. I made a vow never to shed tears anymore. I wanna be as hard, as emotionlesss as a stone. But yet, at the slightest memory of what I had with Haikel, I began to tear. Why? Why can't I just understand that what I had with him was in the past and now that things are different? We have love now, yes we do. But the love that we had in the past was much more beautiful. TO have someone saying 'I love you' back to you when you said it to them is very different saying 'I love you' to someone who doesnt say it back. What's the use of the presence of love, of care, and you show it in limited amount even when you feel more? You want me, yet you don't want me. I'm tired of being weak. I wanna be strong. I wanna let go of all emotions... let me juz be emotionless.

2005-10-15T01:34:00.000+08:00

hellllllllllllooo.. look whos backk!
haha.. me laa... who elze right.. alamak.
okiez.. been rili busy tt i didnt get to updatee my bloggiee..
so diz is gonna be a real long entry..

Monday
Morning worked at d lab. Night worked at Swensen's.
Something happened.. and it set me off thinking.
I was there alone at my fav spot after work, reflecting on myself.
I guezz being open doesnt bring all gd.. there's d negative effects to deal with.
It's nice tt ppl feel comfortable talking to u and all..
bt it's nt rili nice to have ppl thinkin tt u're some cheap girl or a girl tt can be uzed..
Well well well... but then again, I might have gave out d wrong signals..
I really hafta thank Sani for hearing me out on this.

Tuesday
Worked monring shift in the lab. After work, met up with the grrlfriends.
Had dinner at Magic Wok. N then it was camwhoring session.. hahaha... boy oh boy, I really do have a gd time whenever I'm out with my grrls.
When I'm with my grrls, that's the time when you'll see me smiling and laughing like most of d time. Camwhored till d battery's flat.. hahahaha... wth!

Wednesday
Worked morn shift in d lab. At night, worked at d restaurant.
Made a new friendd..
Trav picked me up from wrk n den we chilled out at my fav spot. N den he sent me hm.

Thursday
Morn in d lab. Night at d restaurant.
Well... nth much basically. Was juz a day full of wrk n wrk n wrk.
Bt it was weird tt Trav actually xpects me to tell him tt i've reached home.. gosh.

Friday
Morn @ d lab. D fckin machine was givin me so much prob today. my gawd!
N it was full house tonight at Swensen's. Well well well,.. it's a friday! so yeah.
N.... im sooo happy cuz i get to wake up later than usual tmr!! yays!

I'l never forget d way ur face lit up when u saw me.. I'l nv trade tt smile u gv me each time u see me, for anything elze in d world. N I still rmmbr hw I used to pick u up after wrk aftr i finished wrk.. n den we'l compare who collected more tips.. I remember every single memory I had with you. I miss you, I love you, Ahmad Haikel b Zaini..

2005-10-10T01:39:00.000+08:00

It's 130 in d morn. 5 more hrs to rest before i work my ass off. i cnt seem to slp. i dunno y. i'm missing haikel lik hell now. argh. i need u nw...

2005-10-09T15:37:00.000+08:00

I've been going to school for the wrong reasons.
I went to school n attend lectures for the attendance. Hardly listened to what the lecturers blabbered about in class and when the exam period looms, that's when I hurriedly scurried for my notes and books, not to ace the exams, but just merely to pass it so that I can go through another semester, and finally complete my education, so that I'll get that piece of paper.

Being educated is not about possessing that piece of paper. Being educated is not about getting better pay. Being educated, is about knowing more. And when you know more, you can apply more, that is if you know how to. You'll be able to analyse more.

Going to school doesn't mean you go there to get educated.
Getting educated really means going to school with the right attitude.

And I know, now you're wondering if it's really me ranting all these...
hahahahahahahaha =)

2005-10-08T20:05:00.000+08:00

splattered blood. smashed cappilary tubes.
a short day at work, but not short enough to prevent me from screwing up.
this is nt good at all. nt gd i tell ya.

i wanna watch deuce bigalow n d corpse's bride.
i wanna cycle again.
i wanna swim in d sea.
So many things tt I wanna do... so little time.

2005-10-08T02:50:00.000+08:00

Oh man..
I'm lik so excited.
Sani n Me, we're gonna be due 5 years soon.

It's another Ramadhan again.
N it reminds me of those late nights I had with him
over on MSN chatting till it's time to sahur.
It's like deja vu.

Can't believe this friendship that I made over the net was made to last.
We shared each other's happiness and woes
throughout these five long-lasting years.
How cld I ever forget d tutoring sessions over on MSN,
d moments when we confided in each other on our problems,
d times when we laughed n smiled in front of the computer
like psychos over stupid jokes n craps n
d times when he was willingly there to help me out financially when I'm drained?

Amazingly enough, I still have the chat logs with him way back in 2004.
I had a great time chatting with him, and I know, if I were to
re-read the conversations I had with him, I would still
have that smile etched on my face,
just like I did when I had that conversation with him.

Coming to five years of friendship over the net,
we've only been out once, and it was as good as the
conversations we had online, if not better.
I still smile n laugh like crazy when I'm out with him,
as I would when I have my conversations with him online.

It's been tough composing this entry,
not becuase it's a lie,
but because,
what I feel about my friendship with Sani,
is just too deep to be expressed in words.
N trust me when I say that this entry is just an understatement,
an overview of what I feel.
There's so much more to it, but I cant find a way to express it.

Sani, I love you. =)
I know you love me too. *hahax*

2005-10-08T01:57:00.000+08:00

After wrk today, dropped by to d restaurant wrkplc.
Helped out a lil in d closing duties.
Checked out my schedule for next week.
Submitted in yesterday bt I wasnt rilli confident tt I'l get exactly what I wanted.
Juz lookin at d schedule gets my adrenaline rushing. Hah.
I'l be rilli wrkin my ass off next week man.
What to do.. i need d money badly.

I hope to meet up with my grrls on Tuesday.
Lik c'mon.. life's been so mundane!..
I need my dose of fun plz..
N besides, I'm missin my grrlfrenz alrd...

Tell me exactly why I should giv a damn abt ur feelings? Right. It takes two hands to clap. I clapped yours cuz I cared too much abt ur feelings bck then, even when u cared shit abt mine. So tell me exactly why I shld care abt ur feelings nw? You didnt even bother to giv me d explanation tt I deserved. Now nothin elze matters anymore. I juz want ya to return what you took from me.

2005-10-07T12:03:00.000+08:00

at d sch lab now.
returned d long overdue lib book.
wanted to find a book on d freaking QBC malaria parasite test tt i've been doing but d search proved futile.

ah.
quarreled with d ex la.
so pissed. freaking pissed.
u knw, this anger tt i've been keeping for 1.5yrs is too great.
too great tt i'm capable of a lot of things.
but i jus dun wanna resort to d extremes just yet.
save it for d last if things rili dun wrk out.

n.. i think Haikel's left alrd.
he'l be missing for another mth again.
d next time i get to see him i better nt let d chance slip away.
i miss him so much.
bt then, yeah.. i tink i kinda gt d hang of it alrd. nt feelin too miserable anymore.
haiz.. if only.
if only i cld get him to sacrifice his current career for me...
n den i'l ask him to marry me .... hahaha..
man.. im thikin lik wayyyy to far.
jus yearnin for him so much.. haishh..

will b leaving for wrk soon now.
pickin up my gf aft wrk ltr. heh.
till u hear fr me again,
tkcare my lovers. =)

2005-10-05T23:23:00.000+08:00

Looooook who's backk.. the klutz.
The more I think about my job, the more I know I don't want it.
Gosh.. What have I gotten myself into?
Putting sucha big responsibility on myself!
Like.. what if I diagnosed d patient wrongly?
I'm putting d patient's life at stake man!
I dun even knw how to differentiate platelets from d malaria parasites.
Oh shit man.. just shitt shit n pure shit.
N speakin abt shitttt.. I gave myself a good whif of it today.
Hah.

Waited so blardy long for tt blardy bus.
Waited till Travis n friends were out.
N in d end we were tired of waiting tt we juz walked out to a more busy area.
Travis scared me with a true story tt I literally had my hairs on ends while walkin out of d area.
This is only my third day man.. I dun need this! Urgh..

N im literally piSsed off with the ex. Urgh. This is just so disgustingggg!
Bloody liarrr.. fuck arh. Say you will deliver.. yes you delievered! YOu delivered NOTHING! asshoooooooole! Fucking pissifying man... I need d money too..!

2005-10-05T04:46:00.000+08:00

I was sucha klutz yest. Tsk.
I dunno what's so tiring abt my job.
So far this is the only job whereby I get to sit but yet, each night I never fail to surrender to the bed before midnight.
Damn freaking tired siaa..

Anw, Happy Ramadhan to all my Muslim peeps.

N he calls, tellin me he loves me.
N I... love him too. Still.

2005-10-03T22:53:00.000+08:00

So there goes my first day of attachment at the Doctor's Lab.
At first it was a hell lot of waiting and reading.
Oh yeah, I get myself attached to the haematology section for this attachment.
Went for lunch and the workload started only after lunch.
The samples started coming in n then we were sorting d samples out.
Edmund is just so unlucky.
By right all samples r supposed to come in bottles or tubes.
But he's got a stool sample in a plastic bag n he ended up touching it. =)
Made a few frenz from TP since they're also doing their industrial training there.

N den it was work at Swensen's.
Dunno what's wrong but I wasn't really in d mood to work.
Kinda cranky actually, n I didn't do much work.
Aunty Ivy saw Yas offering me ciggie but I declined it cuz I dun quite like Marlboro.
N den ltr on aunty Ivy approached me n advised me nv to touch ciggs.
Like haha. Cant believe I am still seen as innocent to some ppl.
I'm a goner. Get it?

I'll let my ego do the job. I will not be defeated.
I shall not bow down to this feeling anymore.
Loneliness meant nothing to me anymore. Absolutely nothing.

So long.
Good night lovers.

2005-10-02T23:31:00.000+08:00

Today's practically mundane.
Helped around in d house a lil. Cleared d kitchen cuz there's gonna be some renovation work going on.
N den it was jus relaxin till time for work.
Work was very slack ah today. By 940 we were done with closing duties.
I had this grp of customers observin me.
Alamak.. make me feel so uncomfortable.
I felt more of myself when they were gone.
The pt bf has been sweet theze few days tt I worked.
Gave me baked rice to eat, peeled prawns fer me, returned me my hairband which I lost n even washed it fer me...
haish. thnk u so much!

Attachment starts tomorrow.
I hope it's gonna be good.

Everytime I look at his pictures, I feel this sense of guilt.
I don't think I could ever face him anymore.
He was there, to cushion my fall. But what do I gave him in return?
Lik practically nothing.

I dunnoe.. I'm juz nt d girl I used to be anymore.
I can't seem to commit in a serious rlsp.
I prefer flinging.
Cuz you dont hafta receive much.
You wont hafta give much in return.
You don't expect much,
you barely get disappointed or hurt.

Man... I'm as gd as gone.
What's there left to salvage?

2005-10-01T23:48:00.000+08:00

N it felt good to be cycling in d rain.
It felt absolutely great to be standing at Bedok Jetty, drenched in the rain, from head to toe.
It's so me.
N if there's one person who would willingly share that moment with me,
I know it's gonna be Haikel.

N guezz who I met at ECP..............
It was Zaaaaaaa!
Man, I was sooooo happy to see her.
Heh. Didn't know tt it's been a mth since we last met up until she told me tt she n her bf are 1 mth old alrd. Hah!
I'm glad she found someone who takes gd care of her feelings.
Yep yep.. soften tt numbified heart a lil yeahh..

2005-10-01T01:02:00.000+08:00

Kinda juz got back from work.
Well.. had a good day actually.
Woke up, cleared the jungle in my room a lil bit. Still not really done with it yet, but at least it feels much better to be walkin in my room now. =)
Ran some errands fer daddy and then met up with Sha.
Accompanied her to j8 n tt's wher I checked my account.
The salary's in... but it's damn pathetic! 72 bucks.. lik oh my god.
Hah! Serves me right for not workin much for d past few weeks.
There was a sale going on. Me n shasha bought a thong each for ourselves.. muahaha..
Man.. if only I had brought my digicam along today. Then it'll be two krazee grrls on d loose, caught on camera.
We were early, so basically we juz chilled at Esplanade ferz n den we had d waffle ic at Gelare. Boy! It was gooooood.
Work was slow at first... n then it picked up slowly, reaching a state of madness.
Full house! Yes, I was runnin ard n perspirin in tt air-conditioned plc.
My feet hurtz lik hell man.. I had to sorta limp my way home. Juz talk abt bein outta shape!

N did I mentioned tt I had a good time guy-watchin today? hahaha..
There was a VJ Utt-lookalike at d outlet today. OMG he's lik soooo hot!
He's a lil sloppily dressed but it's alrite.. he's still hot. Hahaha..
I even had butterflies in my tummy when I was servin their food. Alamak Nurul! So teruk la.. =D
N d funny part was ...
Hot Guy : Excuse me... can I ask you a private qn?
Abg An : *heart beats faster* Umm yeah?
Hot Guy : Which is better? Chicken baked rice or fish baked rice..?
Anti-climax siaaaaaaa....
N then there's this cute guy... Yah.. quite cute, with a nice smile.

N i rili detest it when a guy treats his gf lik garbage. Lik hello.. she gave u her heart, u jolly well treat her lik a princess.

Shasha.. I luv U k.. n I mean it when I say tt...keep tt in mind.

2005-09-30T01:51:00.000+08:00

And so,
I received the news that Khairul bagged the award for Anugerah 2005.
This person who enlightened me about the winner of Anugerah 2005 was tellin me that Khairul sounds gay and that it wasn't fair tt he won cuz SP promoted him.
So what if SP promoted him? He won fair and square.
I didn't follow on Anugerah but I guess even if the votes do play a role in his winnings, ultimately, the judges' decision have an impact on his overall winning.
Afterall, what are the judges there for right?
I'm jus sick of these people who judges others by the way they look or how they sound and all.
So what if he sounds gay? He can sing better than you, at least. That's what he won for. It's a singing competition, not a 'who-doesnt-sound=gay' competition.
And so what if SP did promote for Khairul?
Advertisments can only go that far. Ultimately, it's up to one's decision whether to vote for Khairul, or not to.
Anugerah is an event broadcasted on Suria. A Malay event.
Do you think the non-Malay population of SP who doesnt follow the event even bother about the advertisment?
Of course, I believe there might be non-Malays in SP who didn't follow the event but did vote for Khairul but I believe they're his friends and being friends, they would surely support him. They don't need advertisments to decide whether they should vote for him.
And personally, I do know about the advertisment, but I made no move to vote for him,
cuz I dont follow the event.
Bottomline is, he won the award for his talent n not cuz of some publicity or anything.
I'm sure other contestants had their fair share of publicity through friends and all.

N yes, that person still has the cheek to ask me out after how badly he screwed d last outing with me. N d funny part was that, he didnt know he screwed it up that I had to enlighten him of how he screwed it up. What's even more hilarious was that he said it was a joke n told me not to be worried about it. Worried? I'm not the slightest worried about it all. I told him it was a turn off n his ridiculous reply was that he was tryin to turn me off. Lik hello....... you hafta turn me on before you hafta worry about turnin me off. Talk abt stupidity... !

I sound lik a bitch only when u've been a total jackass to me. It's that simple.

2005-09-29T21:20:00.000+08:00

Well...
the exams are like finally over.
I'm jus so glad.
One burden off my shoulders.

I'll be busy this holiday.
Will be attached to Doc's Lab for attachment.
Non-official, but yeah, jus for experience.
I hope the working hours are not much of a pain,
cuz I still have my Swensen's job to deal with.
Yes, yes, I'll be a busy career girl. Haha.
I'll try to have as much fun as possible.

There's jus one thing left tt I gotta say...
Love stories never end with a happy ending.
If you think it's a happy ending,
then it's not the end yet...

Till you hear from me again,
take care you lovers.

2005-09-29T09:21:00.000+08:00

The way I prepare for my exams this semester is scaring the shit outta me.
Especially for my last paper, which is today,
and I hardly touched anything by 5am in the morning.
Well well well... if I do get through, then I do.
If I don't then, I guezz I'll see those lovely lecturers once again.

I'm getting a silent treatment from Haikel.
He doesnt reply my msgs, answer my calls nor return them.
I dunno whether to be pissed or sad.
Okie, I'm sad that things ended in a bad note.
Where was my mistake?
Going out with him or telling him?
As far as I was concerned, I had a good time with him up till confession time.
And not telling when Mr K kept calling me... ?
I dunno.. though he said that he didnt mind, somehow through the calls I knew he wasn't very okay with it.
So yeah, I told... justa hav a clear conscience.
I guez telling d truth doesnt alwaez bring good huh?
And somehow I'm pissed tt Haikel's doing this to me... but I wont be surprised if I find myself cryin again in a few dayz time..
Fo now.. I'm jus too tired to care so much.

Try to tell me what I shouldn't do
You should know by now
I won't listen to you
Walk around with my hands
Up in the air
'Cause I don't care

'Cause I'm all right
I'm fine
Just freak out let it go

2005-09-28T10:11:00.000+08:00

I guezz I wanted both guys in my life.
Yeah.. but how could I ever have both?
I wanted Haikel cuz of what we had.
I've been through a lot with Haikel and we knew each other inside out.
The times spent together, the memories and the silly moments,
how could I ever let go and forget them?
And when he's gone, things have been tough for me.
I've been caught in a deep state of confusion,
with the mixed signals he sent out.
Mr K comes along and he was there to wipe my tears.
He was there to make me smile, to make me laugh.
He's the strong pillar trying to help me get up on my feet.
I admit, I do need him to get out of the hole of depression I'm in.
I do like him, I do think about him, I do miss him at times.
But I guezz, deep inside, the person whom I really want is Haikel.
And when Haikel backed off last night, it hurts me so much.
So much for wanting both at one time.
Now I find myself letting go of both.
I wish for time to heal my pain,
n not to drag my pain anymore.

How long more do I hafta fall?

2005-09-27T23:51:00.000+08:00

and there she goes screwing things up again.
omg. she's just so dangerous, keep yourself away from her pls?

i met haikel today.
yes. i held his hands, i hugged him, i gave him a peck on the cheeks.
when im attached?
yes. cuz he's the one i love.
i had a great time with him up till confession time.
Mr K kept calling me throughout the night.
So when I told Haikel tt I'm attached,
he said he always knew tt Mr K was gonna be the one who's gonna take me away from him,
but he never guessed it'll be so soon.
They spoke to each other. I have no idea what, but I know I was just a wreck.
If only I knew Haikel still loves me.
If only he hadn't pushed me away.
Many many if only's...
And so I made up my mind,
to get out of the rlsp with Mr K.
I know I know,
it's not gonna bring Haikel back to me.
Haikel just said his final goodbye to me.
But then again,
it's unfair for Mr K.
Unfair for him that I'm with him,
but my heart's with Haikel.
And now it shows,
how silly I can get,
in an attempt to pull myself together.
For now,
just let me be.
Let time heal the pain.

To Haikel, I'm sorry. I didn't know it'll hurt you that much. I've always thought you were doing fine and have gotten over me.
To Mr K, I'm sorry too. Really I am. I can't really justify myself for hurting you, but I hope you understand. Thank you for being there for me.

2005-09-26T12:34:00.000+08:00

great.
i'm under too much pressure. Let me just let it all out here. I've been bottling too much things inside that the pressure's building up. I feel that if I don't, then, I'll just go mad one day. After all, I express myself best in text.
firstly, i know i've let down so many people by picking up smoking. Almost all of my friends who know that I smoke, have been telling me to quit smoking. I wanted to too, cuz it's been quite a hazard to my health. I even made a deal with Rish to quit. And damnit I had to break the deal. I couldn't take it. I crumble and fall at the slightest things, and each time, I turn to the cigarettes to take my mind away from those thoughts. This strong front that I've been potraying outside, is NOTHING, but PURE FACADE. What's truly inside, is just one very messed up girl. I've been crying for four days in a row. What you see, is a girl who goes out almost every single day, laughing and having fun, even in the middle of exams. What you don't see, is a girl trying to run away from everything by hiding them. Last night I confessed to Haikel that I still do smoke. He feels guilty cuz he felt that he's the cause of me being like this. I feel guilty for causing him to feel guilty. I've came to a point where I don't know what I'm doing, at ALL.

I got myself attached. Why in the world did I even say yes when I know I'm not ready to face another relationship? Why in the world did I even say yes when I know I haven't let go of my past? Yesterday morning when I woke up n ended up puking, it's becuz I cried till I coughed n felt like puking. Why do I cry?? I feel guilty for getting myself into a relationship which I know I'm not ready for. It's unfair for him. It all seems like deja vu. Haikel once told me that in the beginning, he did felt wrong n he did felt like telling me that he felt that it was wrong for us to be together cuz he's still pinning for his ex. What if one day his ex comes back running to him and tells him she needs him? He did felt like asking for a break up. And now I find myself in his shoes. Sha told me that it was easy for her to move on from her previous rlsp which lasted for 2.5 yrs was prob becuz she had someone else to channel her attention and energy to. Probably that's why I said yes? And yesterday morning, I woke up and realised that it's selfish of me to make use of him to forget my past. So I thought probably he'll realise that it's just an infatuation and will want out some day when he knows the real me. And I cried because it hurts me so much to let go of my past. I tell myself that I wanna move on cuz I can't carry on this way, every single day wondering about him, where he is , how's he doing and whether I'm still on his mind. But deep inside, I realised I don't wanna move on. I still wanna be with Haikel. Right after the conversation I had with Haikel last night, I know I had to move on. Haikel wants me to, cuz he knows he cant be there for me like he used to. He said he couldnt be there to hug me and make me feel good, he can't be there to wipe the tears away.. he can provide me with money, but he can't provide me with the basics of being there for me. And he knows that I'm the sorta girl who prefers spending time together rather than money. Funny aint it? When he was here in SIngapore, he always thought that he's not good enough for me cuz he couldn't help out in the rlsp financially. He always felt lousy cuz each time we go out, I'd be the one paying. N now, when he has money on his hands, he feels that he's nt good enough for me cuz he cant be there for me.

I don't know what to do with this relationship I'm having now. I really don't. He's very sweet. He's very understanding. And he seems determined. He's there to cheer me up when I'm down. He knows that I havent let go of my past, but he wants to be the one to take away my pain and sorrows. He's okay with me contacting Haikel. He's okay if I meet haikel and hug him. He makes me feel like such an ass, being in a relationship with him, yet my heart is with another guy. I do like him, and he is a potential.. but I would have appreciate it more if he had given me more time.

The tears kept falling as I typed throughout the entry. Please forgive me, Risha, for breaking our deal. Please forgive me Haikel, for being with another guy. Please forgive me, for being with you, yet my heart is with someone else. In the midst of trying to run away from things, I've messed up a lot. All I feel now is pain, sorrow, and guilt. And I thank those people who've listened my heart out, my friends who were there to give me advice when I gave them an insight of what's going on in my head and heart.

Just take me away please...

2005-09-26T10:28:00.000+08:00

something is definitely wrong with me?
i have a paper tomorrow and i'm still so relaxed about it.
i'm gonna die tmr?
well it's ok.. at least i die in a relaxed manner.
hah. crap. wth!
am thinkin of putting up a section on gallery...
but then i dun have pics with sani arrr...
nvm, one day i shall 'date' him out n camwhore like me n my girls do.
yess ah! i'l turn tt saniah into a camwhore.
okkkk.. enough of my crapp.
okkk.. actually i got nth more to say.
just publishing my craps.
so there. till you hear from me againn..
taataaaaaa~!

2005-09-26T00:42:00.000+08:00

had a talk with him.
settled stuffs.
it's heartbreaking but at least,
it clears some question marks in my head.
i know what to do now,
but then,
the question on whether i'l be able to do it
really depends on my willpower n how strong i am.
i hope i can,
and start this new book in my life proper.
thank you to you.

2005-09-25T19:22:00.000+08:00

And so,
today, I met sha to pass her her driving book.
CPP was so packed. We decided to go somewhere.
Took 89 to Changi Beach.
I feel like a child again. and the feeling is great.
Played the swing there.
It's been years since I touched a swing,
and it sure do feel good to be touching it again.
and then there we were sitting by the rocks by the beach.
little that i know that i was very close to Haikel.
He's in Singapore waters once again.
He gave me a call on my way back.
I felt.... relieved, to be receving a call from him.
Finally knowing that he's alright, finally knowing that he's back.
but, the talk's all about work.
Hardly gave any insights on how he still feels abt me.
ok. i know i sound really pathetic here.
Has he really moved on? Or is he just not showing whatever he feels?
There's still this one big question mark in my head.
and then I really felt like an ass. Literally.
I'm so sorry.

2005-09-25T09:09:00.000+08:00

n now i feel all horrible again.
woke up this morn feeling all shitty.
went to tha toilet to puke.
but then, basically i have nothing to puke.
last night's dinner was all digested alrd.

it's been sometime since the last update.
so what's been happening?

anp2 ppr on friday was frucking horrible pls?
i ended wayy earlier than the ppl in d same exam room.
in fact, i think i was d first to finish.
easy? simple? no.. cuz basically i had nothing to write.
so i just took d remaining time to catch up on my sleep since i had little the night before.

went to meet my girls after the paper.
it wasnt as good as i expected,
but i still had fun anyway.
sha had to leave earlier cuz of some reasons.
then the three of us just hung out at esplanade.

Sat, met my sis in d morn.
Went through the prelim paper, caught up on stuffs n tt's it.
n then later on in d day i had my date.
it was fine.
oh yupp. i went to watch Sani perform at youth park.
it was awesome.

i've been holding on to too much sorrow and pain.

2005-09-21T23:25:00.000+08:00

Life it seems will fade away
Drifting further every day
Getting lost within myself
Nothing matters no one else
I have lost the will to live
Simply nothing more to give
There is nothing more for me
Need the end to set me free

Things not what they used to be
Missing one inside of me
Deathly lost, this can't be real
Cannot stand this hell I feel
Emptiness is filling me
To the point of agony
Growing darkness taking dawn
I was me, but now He's gone

No one but me can save myself, but it's too late
Now I can't think, think why I should even try

Yesterday seems as though it never existed
Death greets me warm, now I will just say good-bye

2005-09-21T22:58:00.000+08:00

went out with sya today.
we were so engrossed in our conversation tt we missed d stop;
and almost got knocked down by speeding vehicles.
we were juz a step earlier from d accident.
to sum d outing out, i'l say it was fun.
yepp. details juz between sya n me. haha.
and it's been two nights in a row that i puked my dinner out.
what's wrong with me?
what sey nurul?
had him on your mind,
missed him,
and then when he calls,
you dunno what to say?
i so feel like strangling u la nurul.
tsk tsk.
lookin forward to fri's evening out with da grrls n, saturday. =)

2005-09-20T22:38:00.000+08:00

I had enough madness today.
I had no freaking idea how many sticks I took today.
I even had Sani to send me a whole folder of metal songs. Never mind that they were Malay songs, I just needed the noise to loosen myself up.
But at last the paper was do-able. I think I should be able to pass.
Had dinner with Silah at JP.
Slept on the way home. I was so freakingg tired, I overslept to Sengkang.
Reached home and I immediately hit the sack.
To cough was even too energy consuming for me. Puked my dinner out. All $3.50 of it. n then went bck to sleep.
Mr K called me at 10 n tt's when I woke up.
N i'm so fresh now? So how am I supposed to spend the night now?

2005-09-20T09:09:00.000+08:00

damn.
ive nv felt this scared of an exam before.
im in for a deep freaking shit.

2005-09-20T08:46:00.000+08:00

Met up with the grrlfriends yesterday. Needless to say, we had loads of fun. Studied for a lil while first at Raffles Place MacDees since three of us are having papers today. Dinnered together at Lau Pa Sat. Camwhored. Went down the ascending escalators. Getting under d seats of the train. And loads more krazee stuffs. At the end of the day we were just real shagged. Hahaha.. More to come on this coming Fridayy!! Sooo looking forward to the next girls day out.

I’m having a paper later on this afternoon and believe it or not, I’m still not done studying. Am I totally unprepared or am I totally unprepared?? The pressure’s sinking in. I don’t even know if I can make it through this time round. I'm like so stressed up I think I can smoke d whole packet of cigg today.

I have a lot of people in my life right now but yet, my heart’s screaming for Haikel. Damn! Where the hell is he?? Where is he when I needed him the most? Haikel….. I need you. Please… I need to hear your voice. Tell me that you’re alright. Tell me that you’re doing fine. Soothe my heart. Please. I’m at unease. It’s coming to a month since I last heard from you. Where are you?? I MISS YOU like fuck! Feeling so vulnerable these few days… How I wish you’re here to free my worries and fears like you always do. Embrace me in your arms once again and make me feel safe and warm. Catch me when I fall like you always do. Wipe these tears away and kiss my eyes like you used to. Up till today, I still wish you hadn’t left me. The tears are still falling as if the wound was still a fresh cut. I love you Haikel… I still do.

2005-09-19T06:10:00.000+08:00

Doesnt know where she stands in his heart.
Doesnt know where she belongs.
Doesnt know what's she supposed to do next and how she's gonna go about doing it.
Doesnt know what the future holds for them.
Was it meant to be over the day it was over? Or were there more to come?
Has the fullstop been placed, or was it an unfinished story put on hold?
Just floating in between, waiting for time to pass by and waiting for time to tell.
The confusion, the uncertainties... are just too much to ponder about.
It's more than enough to drive her crazy.
The memories keep haunting.
They kept her warm,
they made her smile in fondness,
they made her cry in sadness.
She's as good as a lost soul.

2005-09-19T00:26:00.000+08:00

Had a study date with Ruzanna.
Supposed to be at 12 but both of us woke up at 11+.. haha.. wth!
Damn. The paper's on Tuesday and I'm lik only halfway through.
How how??
Worked today... It was pure madness laaa...
Shorthanded again! Was like runnin all over d place. Cashiering n serving n cleaning.
Oh yeahh... my part-time boyfriend cooked Chicken Baked Rice specially for me!!!
I'm sooo thankful cuz I was uber hungry? So desperate for food tt I ate some leftovers...
Had a lil bit of serious talk with d PT bf. He told me some stuffs about Dav. I heard Dav's side of the story already.. I dont know which to believe but yeah.. it doesnt really concerns me that much. I knew I had a good time with Dav when he was in sg. He treated me well... not pushy.. takes things slow and cool.. yeah I liked that. Reminds me so much of Haikel.
Speaking of Haikel.. I think he's near. But I just don't know where. Haiz.

2005-09-18T00:30:00.000+08:00

Worked.
Busy. Or probably cuz we're shorthanded.
Got lost in my thoughts on the way home.
Almost got knocked down by a vehicle.
He thinks that I'm okay.
I thought I was fine.
Only when I let myself go deep into my feelings do I know that I'm not.
I havent cried in a long time; no i haven't.
And it feels good today.

2005-09-16T23:35:00.000+08:00

Went out with Mr Najib just now. Cinderella Man at Lido, 635pm. So in the mean time we were just killing time window shopping and all. The beginning wasnt really good at all. Sometimes he really gets onto my nerves that I did felt like walking out on him but I stayed on for the movie... and yeah, it got better after that. The movie was nice... I like it a lot but some of the boxing scenes were like too much for me to handle. I was squirming in my seat, cringing in pain as though I'm the one who's being boxed there. haha.. Walked from Orchard to City Hall and then parted our ways home.

Guess I'm gonna have an early night today. Gotta report at terminal 1, 845am for training tmr. I just hope it isnt tt bad at all. Then I'l be mugging for d MolBio exam... n at night it'll be work. Yeah, a simple Saturday it'll be...

later...

2005-09-16T01:34:00.000+08:00

Damn.
David sent me a msg at 11pm.
He asked me to give him a call.
and I only read it at 130am?
I couldn't get through.
What the fook! Really. Stupid me.
He crossed my thoughts lately.
Was just telling Ruz about it earlier.
Give me another chance to reach him. pls?

2005-09-16T00:25:00.000+08:00

Myloh came over to my place. Finished off watching The Lion King.
Played chess. He sucked at it. Literally. Haha. Im nt sayin tt I'm good or anything.. just that he's worse of than me. hahaha...
then it was XboX, Need for Speed Underground 2. I had one controller only so we took turns and compared scores n times. It was all good.
Left the house and he accompanied me to Bugis to search for a new pair of slippers. The current slipper just couldnt wait to break apart. Just as soon as I stepped foot at Bugis, it broke. Again. Yes again!! So there I was walking half barefooted in Bugis tryin to look for a new pair of slippers. It was a long search for it. It was only 2.5 hrs later that I bought a new pair and I got it at Suntec instead. He was kind enough to buy me a temporary pair of slippers though. Yeahh he was kinda sweet and thoughtful all the way la actually. Gave me these sweets for the throat cuz I was coughing like a mad woman and also handiplast just in case I hurt my feet or anything. Not to forget... he accompanied me here and there, back and forth just to search for my slippers. Man... I kinda felt bad about it dragging him everywhere for so long.

After that met my girlfriends at Raffles to study. Aish was alrd with her hubby to be.. That guy is darn fierce! Haha.. no offence Aish! Took some time for me to settle down to study. As usual, the gossips are a must. ekeke.. We're meeting up on Monday againn.. Yay! Im lookin forward to it. Ruz told me to listen to Vit C's Friends Forever n at d same time look at d pix we took d other day. Boy! Am I overwhelmed! I don't feel like growing up. How I wish we'll still be in our teenage years and enjoy life, catch up with each other and all.

Can we survive it out there? Can we make it somehow?..

2005-09-14T15:17:00.000+08:00

The study date today was cancelled cuz Ruz had a bad tummy. Man... since last night! Just hope that she recovers soon.

The girlfriends asked me a question yesterday. It wasn't exactly new. The question did came across my mind before, but I never quite answered it. Do I still love Haikel? I couldn't answer it. Yes, Haikel has been missing from my entries lately. I hardly mentioned him anymore. And if anyone notices it, my recent entries have been showing how I've been keeping myself busy. I'm doing well in trying to keep myself occupied. I'm booked for the whole week.

So basically, I've been having too much fun and I've been too occupied with stuffs that I hardly have the time to think about him. When I reach home, I'll turn to the computers till I really get drained out. Not that I haven't been thinking about him anymore. Just that I didnt let myself dwell too much on my thoughts on him.

It has been more than 2 weeks since I last heard from him. This is the longest, so far. I don't cry for him anymore. I have pretty much got up from the ground...

So tell me why is it that I couldn't carry on when I tried to remove his pictures from my wallet? Why did I end up putting back our neoprint and his passport photo in my wallet? Why was it that something in me tells me that they belong there?

It's been 2 months since we broke the ties. However, a break up, doesnt reflect the end of a love story.

2005-09-14T12:00:00.000+08:00

Changed!
Dang! I wanted Johnny Depp... some of the skins on him were like really making me go gaga.. but i didnt really like d layouts.
So here's a skin on my fav female artist...

2005-09-13T22:50:00.000+08:00

Attended school today. Apparently I just received the news fr my class rep that I had to attend school today. 10am had a pregnancy video screening. I wanted to watch but I was late and I didn't wanna come in late. Didn't wanna attract too much attention. Besides, I wasn't appropriately dressed to school today. So I met Myloh instead. And the first thing he mentioned was the prints on my bra. What the hell.. It's not very obvious but if you see properly you'd be able to read it.
So we watched Lion King in the library... didn't manage to finish it cuz I had another class at 12pm. We were supposed to check out test papers... but darn! the tchr hasnt finished marking d papers n he showed us a video instead, leaving me to think that the whole idea of going to school today was pointless.

The outing with the girlfriends was a blast. Had a friggin' great time with them. Absolutely krazee! Those camwhoring sessions, shooting each other, all those jokes and everything.. darn.. i laughed till my throat gets really bad. Oh yes! I bumped into Maryam on my way out of PS. I totally miss her! She still looks the same.. Huggedddd her and talked a little and yeah... that was it. Glad to see her after all these years. Made our way to Boat Quay coffee bean. That's where each of us shared our stories and updated each other... Yuppies.. So out of the 4 of us, only Aish is attached and I bet she's gonna be hte first to settle down. Getting engaged next year already.. my oh my... I just cant imagine myself settling down so soon.. I'm like sooooo not ready for it.

I hate the phone now. Truly do.

Later.

2005-09-13T08:28:00.000+08:00

Had an earlier night yesterday... i'm ok but not exactly in the pink of health. Still can move about around and go out but there's limitations on what I can do. Hahz. Somehow I feel that it's a blessing. My throat's nt feelin too good and it's what keepin me from buying another pack of ciggie. Yeah... I really wanna quit k. I need time. Can't just go cold turkey like that. Hopefully this time round my willpower is much stronger.

My slippers broke for the 3rd time yesterday. This time round it was the left side. Ruz brought super glue for me and I fixed it again. I need to get new slippers. I'm pretty convinced that the next time my slippers break, I'll never be able to fix it again. Now, I don't want my favourite slipper picked by him to be in a condition where it couldn't be fixed anymore.

Ruzanna was just so hilarious yesterday. Gosh. I laughed till I cried. Yesterday's study date with her was one of the nicest ones.

Meeting my girlfriends today. Ruz, Nad and Aish. No plan what to do yet but hey, it'll be fun. It's been a long time since the four of us gathered.

And now I really do feel bad. I did it again... I can't explain it.. I can't justify myself. I disappointed him twice... but this time round, I really can't feel anymore. I can't foresee myself in another relationship anymore. Not with the one I want to be with the most, not the one I feel is most compatible to be iwth me, not him, not anyone. And knowing that he's out there waiting... after over a year, puts pressure on me. I don't wish to, but I had to... please forgive me.

2005-09-12T09:20:00.000+08:00

man.... im sick!
i bet i caught d virus from najib.
aiyoh.. just when i was starting to trust my immune system.

meeting ai'shah ltr. accompany her for interview. then we're having lunch together. yippees. been a long time since i met her. n then she'l be off to work n i'l be off for study again..

i dont feel anymore. i like it the way it is. i've learnt to stand on my own feet now and i wanna remain that way. love has made me weak. ever since i've been out of love, no more tears are shed... and i shall keep it that way, for now...

2005-09-11T18:01:00.000+08:00

Had a late night yesterday cuz I was just up chatting. Had a good laughing time chatting with Sani. He never fails to make me smile or laugh.
Had to literally force myself up in the morning just to go out with my cousin today.
But hey! It was worth it.
Cuz I enjoy myself everytime when I'm with her.
Attended Endy's engagement ceremony. Saw pit! SIlah's bf. haha.. it was only when i really looked at him that I find him familiarr.. Asked Endy for his name and yess confirm plus chop plus guarantee it's Silah's sweetheart.. hehe..
Went over to the girl's site and after that we shopped ard at TM.
Bought my chess set finally! Bigger than what I expected but it's the only glass set around. The only prob I have now is that I've got no one to play it with me. Silly? Yeahh very silly. 2 more stuffs on my wish list. Hope that I can get it by this month..

2005-09-11T00:21:00.000+08:00

well... the study date was more than what i expected.
taught him a mathz for 2 hrs.
den dinner at sakura.
chilled at clarke quayy...
for once i walked pass the restaurants at clarke quay and watch the bungee from near.
then headed to esplanade.
caught the free shows there.
the bands that played tonight were just simply awesome..
love them t bits.
first was a malaysian band... coupled.
next was a local band... seranade.
oh, i think d vocalist fr seranade has a sexyy voice. i loike~! haha..
n i luv d female guitarist fr coupled. sexayy...
it's been a wonderful saturday..!

2005-09-10T10:34:00.000+08:00

had a real long day yesterday.
ec cancelled his plans of coming over to my place.
was a little disappointed cuz i was really lookin forward to it.
but i guess i've faced much bigger disappointments to be really affected by it.

oh yes. i screwed something up the first thing in the mornin.
i had a quiz at 9am and i thought it was 10am so when i turned up at school, everyone was all done with the quiz.
lucky mr yang was kind enough to let me take the quiz later or else i'm so dead meat? i've already flunked his first quiz.
and so.. there i was alone with mr benjamin yang in his room.. wowww.. hahaha.. a hottie.. but a crazy, lunatic one who loves to torture his students.. haha.. kidding.

i was done with school by 1130am.
since ec wasnt meeting me, i took d chance to use d time to catch up with girlfriend risha at 2pm.
was just in d comp lab chatting on msn when d i was called up for work later in the evening.
yeah. why not? it's been a long time. kinda missed work.
went home to get my shoes n uniform, head to funan and then i was on my way to meet risha. she was late so i just entertained myself at the arcade. i'm getting better at entertaining myself.
we watched the perfect catch. lovely romantic comedy. whatever movie that stars drew barrymore in it is a thumbs up. i jus love her...
parted with sha with a hug and made my way to work.
quite busy. and somehow the place was a little hot i was perspiring. or is it that i'm outta shape? it was nice to be back at work, for today at least. just hope that it'll remain like this or improve.

i totally hate it when someone who hasnt even had a real conversation with me acts as if he/she knows me or whatever's going on in my life. like hello??? get outta my life will ya? you're jus a piece of pissifying shiatz in my life.

i've been quite a good girl yesterday. chilled out at clarke quay after work yest before going home. it felt kinda different but familiar.

study date with najib today. teaching him a mathz. let's see if i can get it thru him...

2005-09-08T01:34:00.000+08:00

What's been going on? Nothing much rili..
it's just me hitting d books..
biochem test today.
somehow im scared if i dont at least hit the line.
i dun wanna repeat this module.
a whole lot of shiznat to remember..
i almost went krazee trying to remember all d pathways for d test today.

met up with za.
2hrs wait but it was worth it.
reached home at midnight.
caught up with each other.
lots n lots of stuffs.
secrets revealed.. tales shared.

1 more darn bloody test to go..
and it'll be the exams.
i hate school pls??

2005-09-05T10:39:00.000+08:00

It was almost an uneventful Sunday which could have just gone to waste like that. I didnt have the drive to do anything productive and hence, all I did yesterday was to sit in front of the computer, blasting the stereo's away and headbanging. And when I got tired of it, I dolled myself up and had a camwhoring session on my own.. and editting the pix. Just see how I entertain myself. tsk.

David gave me a call at 7 and bla bla bla... I was up and about getting ready to meet him. Brought him to Esplanade's garden rooftop. There was a show going on so we just enjoyed it for a while before walking all the way to our spot. All in all, it was a great time spent with him. Full of crap. Full of smiles. Full of laughters. Can't deny what I feel. One thing's for sure, I know he felt it too. Yeah.. the past 3 weeks with him has been a complete bliss. No quarrels, no bitter moments.. and it ended of beautifully. Yeah.. gonna miss him much. Wish him all the best in his future undertakings...

2005-09-04T12:08:00.000+08:00

Why is it so quiet today? Am I home alone?

It's a Sunday, and I have no idea what to do yet for today. I was thinkng, maybe I could meet Dav for the last time, since it's his last day here. But because of some reasons, I don't think it's possible. I'm really gonna miss him. His cuteness... crazyness... sweet smile... and especially his ways. I like the way he takes things slow. I like the way he always makes me laugh. I like the way he makes me feel safe, secure, warm and comfortable. He's one of those rare guys who know just how to treat a girl. Yeps.

And so, as from today, this fling will be put to an end. I'll continue on with my life as per normal. I think I should be doing okay. I've got people to ask out already. Hah. No more brain-draining moments trying to think of who to ask out anymore. And besides, the exams should be enough to keep me occupied if there's no one to go out with. And yes.. I've got my job too.

Eng Choon will be coming over to my place either on a Friday or Saturday. Somehow I'm excited about it.. hahaha.. it's been a long time since I met him. It's been almost 2 years since we graduated from sec school but somehow the bond between us is still there. We can just call each other up and talk for hours.

And I cant wait for tomorrow! I'm gonna catch Herbie with Ruzanna darling!
Hah. When was the last time that I find myself looking forward to so many thing? geez..... is life is turning around for me?

2005-09-03T11:08:00.000+08:00

It was just another day at school yesterday. The same old boring lectures, and tests. Finally Envst is finally over. I can chuck the notes into the bins already.

Attended Muzikarama 05 in the evening with Adi. I saw Ebby.. again. What a surprise. Talked to him for a while and caught up on stuffs. Yeah.. In the meantime, the evening iwth Adi was fine. Irritated the hell outta each other.
THe show was okay lah.. prob I was a lil tired.

Somehow I felt that I had to see him. I didn't feel right. I did feel a lil psychotic, really. I tried hard to suppress this feeling. I let my ego get in the way so that he finds me first before I find him. No matter how hard I tried to resist this feeling from growing.. I lost.

The show ended at 10. I rushed down to City Hall, hoping to see him, though I never made any plans with him to meet up. I felt a lot better when I saw him. Spent an hour with him.. yeah, it was nice. Every moment spent with him leaves me smiling.

I wasn't supposed to fall.....

2005-09-01T22:20:00.000+08:00

Skipped Met Bio lecture todayy cuz I was too freaking tired to get up. So basically it was a short day in school today.

Study date with Ruzanna again. Raffles BK. She's so comical? macam kartoon gitu.. haha..

I finished it already k? No more nonsense. Thank you to those people who at some point, tried to help me out of d sorrow.. it's okay tt some gave up on me along the way. I know it was tough dealing with me. I know I'm stubborn. But at least, you guys tried something so thank you for that.

and so.. after one month, I'm finally moving on with a sane mind. I've got things under control now. I've taken charge over my feelings.

It's a fresh September...

2005-08-31T23:22:00.000+08:00

Once, I wanted so much to be loved.
Now, I don't wish for love to find me.
And I'm not looking either.
I don't wanna feel anymore.

It was meant to be a fling.
But the more time I spent with him,
the fonder I grew of him.
Now it's just time for me to work on suppressing this feeling before it gets out of hand.

Managed to call Haikel.
Had a good time catching up on his life.
It's all about work.
He couldn't remember when was the last time he ever thought of me.
Sad, but I was expecting it.
But it's cool. Talked abt d old times..
Spilled some secrets out.. haha...

It's down to two.

The study date was nice. Met Dav during his break time.
Study again. Dinner. and then it was just me and Ruz window shopping.
hahaha.. Ruz was sucha klutz today. Lolx. So much so tt she infected me!
Lookin forward to many2 girls day out...

2005-08-30T21:42:00.000+08:00

I cant wait to be who I used to be... I seriouzly cant.
5 more stickz to go.
5 more days till Dav's leaving.
Everything will be back to normal.

I'm excited.

Tomorrow the girls will get together for a study date. Love ya gurls lots.

Missing me.

2005-08-30T12:06:00.000+08:00

This is the 3rd time i'm rewriting this entry. Somehow I my previous 2 attempts at writing this entry sounds wrong, and it doesnt exactly explains what I'm feeling.

Haikel's in Singapore waters right now. He'll be in Singapore waters for 2-3 days and after that he'll be off to some other place once again.

Guilt. Sorrow. Happiness. Anger. Just a whirlpool of emotions, with their own reasons. Nobody has to understand. They'll misinterprete it anyway. I'll just reserve them for me and myself only.

Dav's leaving on Sunday. I'll be a roaming soul once again then. It's supposed to be a fling. I wasn't supposed to get too involved in it. But I guess I had too much of a great time last night with him that I can't stop smiling whenever I thought about it.

2005-08-29T23:50:00.000+08:00

It's been a full day today, and it's not about to come to an end soon, cuz I gotta spend the night up to finish studying! hahahakz.

Headed off to Funan at 10am. Study date with Ruzanna. Haha.. I gotta admit, there was very little studying done on my part. We were busy catching up on each other's life... and then I went up to Swensen's to speak to Jeslyn regarding the transfer. Well, she gave me some warnings and I'm having second thoughts of transferring to CP. Most prolly I'll stay. Yeah. 4pm had lunch at Swensen's. Shared chic baked rice and got ourselves d $4 sundae each. Somehow the bill doesnt seem quite right. A little too cheap? Hahs.

Met Dav, Alex n gf Jacq, 6pm at Bugis. Jacq hadn't eaten d whole day so we went to BK to eat. Bleahz... they had some prob then and me and Dav were jus waiting for them to be alrite once again. Walked back to City Hall aft which me n Dav went t chill at Clarke Quay.

It's been a nice day... catching up with an old friend, reminiscing those moments ten years ago, laughing n having fun........... nice day, but ms nurul, here's a gentle reminder. you've got a test tomorrow and you have yet to complete studying for it. so i wish you many many luck for the test. you're certainly gonna need it. hahahhahaahaha....

2005-08-28T22:50:00.000+08:00

Well, it's a Sunday well spent compared to yesterday.
Dragged my ass to Funan to study. Thanks to abg Zul for the free ride, after which he n my couz Mas went to catch a movie.

Was just basically cracking my head trying to figure out those stack of notes which I never paid attention to during lectures. Met David for 15 mins during his break. Amazingly, someone else saw me. Haha. Well, I don't think I owe him an explanation anyway... so I leave him to think whatever he wishes to think. I couldn't care less. It's not as if I can stop him from thinking whatever he wants to think. ANd it's not as if I can stop those tongues from wagging. Let me be the butt of their gossips. They'll stop when they're tired.

I reached my saturation point at 8pm. Chilled at Clarke Quay for an hour. Loads of thoughts flooded my mind. Who am I to lie to? Myself? No way... hahaha. Many many thoughts but I shall reserve those for me and only me.

2005-08-28T00:40:00.000+08:00

it has been an mundane Saturday.
I didn't get any studying done as planned.
Damn. I need the drive. I need someone to drag me down to study. Ish. This is not good, not good I tell ya..

It's past midnight and I'm still awake.
Can't seem to sleep, I'm wide awake.

A friend enlightened me with his perception on me.
Totally caught off guard.
That's the first...

I want to say alot...
but I don't know what to say...
You get my drift here ?

2005-08-27T13:45:00.000+08:00

Woke up and it's already 1317hrs.
Totally appalled.
Can't remember when was the last time I ever woke up this late.

Was supposed to study with Sya at NLB today but last minute changes.
Hah. I'l be very late if it were to go on, considering the time that I woke up.
I'l see what I can do.

Anw, attended sch for haem's test.
Planned to attend Xu's lecture at 3, but last min's plan cropped up.
Last min plan of meeting Dav. To funan and then to Sentosa. Met his friends there.
Watched this animal encounter.
I thought it was a babboon cuz of it's butt but it's a pig-tailed 'macat' *no idea how to spell it*.
So cute. Hah. Very entertaining.
It got me smiling genuinely for once =)

Worked at 6.
Was it because that i was out walking the whole day or was it because it's been a long time since I work that I got very tired?
My knees felt like breaking apart. I was practically telling myself to go on and to withstand the pain.
Thx to ct for tellin me tt B's a stalker. Geez. I was that close to getting myself being stalked. Ish. Thank god B's gg back to TP.

Had a gd chat with EC on d fone at night. He seriously needs education other than what he learns in school, which he already excels at. Lol.

2005-08-25T23:00:00.000+08:00

i dont understand this.
it's just amazing how you've got me so worked up.
why do i even care?
you're just a passing phase.

2005-08-25T10:11:00.000+08:00

i took a mth break fr work.
fri's my last for the time being.
will be back at work in october.

mainly, to set aside time for studies;
yes, the ICAs n exams are coming up.
Looming and haunting...

secondly, discreetly hoping that the mess that I got into will be cleared once I come back.
hah.
forgive me,
i didnt know what i was doing.

thirdly, it's just a better alternative than quitting.
i just dont know how to break the news to jeslyn.
ahh chicken la nurul.
tsk.

i feel for you.
we're on the same boat.
if u need me,
give me a ring.
i'l be there to listen.

2005-08-24T23:59:00.000+08:00

i think he's left for vietnam.

no goodbyes.

i'l be waiting again.

10 days.

it wont hurt tt much right?

right?

10 days.

it wont be tt long right?

right?

and i'l pray tt he'll get to go down d next time his ship comes to sg.

i want a hug.

from him.

no, i need one from him.

soon it will be a month of not seeing him.
this is the greatest separation ever.
the most we had of not seeing each other was 3 weeks.
even then, we had each other on the phone every night.
and when we met up, we were separated by a road.
Only God knows how we felt like beating the traffic to be in each other's arms.

i'm so living on yesterday's memories.
it keeps me insane,
but alive.

2005-08-23T20:32:00.000+08:00

Borrowed Sweet November from the library.
Had it reserved though I've already watched it, cuz I think it was a good movie.

It brought me tears the first time I watched it, and it brought as much tears, if not more, today, when I watched it.

It just.. reminds me of what I had. It opens my eyes to what he gave me. Now that I finally realize, I'm dying to hear his voice and thank him for that priceless gift.

People walk in and out of your life. Some stay for a while and leave footprints in your heart... and you'll never be the same again.

Thank you for your priceless time that you showered upon me. If it weren't for that, the memories that I have with you, won't be this aplenty. And of course, the love that you showered on me. Some scenes in that movie reminds me of us, and I can't help but to cry, cuz I miss those moments.

2005-08-23T13:26:00.000+08:00

in d libs now.
had class outing at ecp yest.
fantabulously fun.
hah.
but d food.
had been converted to small, soft brown chunks
and deposited in d toilet bowl.

in d mean while,
my academic test results
are freaking horrible.
im nt badly affected by it.
why?
tell me why?
why am i so numb huh?
but i really think i shd start doing something.
but i have no sense of urgency.
in fact, im in a super duper lazy mode right now
that i feel it is not necessary
to do anything about it yet.
what d tootsie is wrong withh me?

it will be over in no time.
trust me.
6 more days n it's goodbye.
in d mean time,
i'l just enjoy what i have;
though it's not as good as what i used to have.

anything to keep me happy.

2005-08-22T07:35:00.000+08:00

All along I thought I'm tired, but I'm afraid.

I can handle the small stuffs, but to bring it to another level, seems like sucha big task now.

Do I dare put my heart at stake again?

2005-08-21T23:10:00.000+08:00

Worked yest n today. Today's work much better cuz there were more customers...

Anw, went out to catch a movie with Dav. The Maid. I didnt know it was a Singapore production until I watched it. ishkk. It was ok, but quite predictable. hmph.

N now im jus like dunno wat to do? CP's been askin me out for so many times n I never did went out with him... instead, I went out with Dav. CP gotta noe abt it n yeah, he's kinda mad. What do i do now?

Benny's next on d list. He wants to watch the maid with me next week. But I just watched the maid today?? hahaha.. im just so screwed up with guys.

it's just complicated. i don't even know what to think about it.

2005-08-19T13:59:00.000+08:00

does anyone ever understands the frustrations that im going through right now?
does anyone ever understands the frustrations of wanting that someone but you know you'll never have him/her again?
you know you hafta do something to get over the frustration, and the answer is to just move on and forget about that someone you'll never have.
but is it that easy?
as easy as saying 'just move on..' ?
how i wish!
it's painful when almost everything you do, everywhere you go, reminds you of that someone, and you know you and him/her will never be.
you wanna get over it. you dont wanna dwell on it. you wanna move on. but you cant. coz of the love that you have for that person. and coz of the memories that just seems to haunt you everywhere you go, every single hour of your life.
so... don't think about the memories? keep yourself busy? how do you keep yourself busy when you're lonely? and even if you're out with another person, the places or the things you do, somehow reminds you back of that person, and you're back to square one.

2005-08-18T19:55:00.000+08:00

Forgotten what it felt like to be loved n cared for deeply by another person.
Forgotten how nice it feels like to have a male arm around you to make you feel secure.
But from the memories that i have, I know it sure felt good.
I'm still yearning for him.
Yearn to feel his touch that brings warmth and security, his kiss that just takes me away, and just simply yearn for him for that happiness that I once had.
This love that I have for him is just too embedded in my heart.
Cupid's knockin on my door but how can I accomodate another person in my heart when my heart's still for him?

That was a sudden gush of emotions while I was in class today.

He's near. Right now. Managed to talk to him, but for awhile cuz of poor reception.
Yeah, I'm happy to hear from him... but at the same time, my heart breaks coz I yearn to hear those three words from him again.

He sounds happier. I guess life's getting better already for him. I guess that's good. Yeah. He's getting on fine.

and me............. ?

2005-08-17T22:34:00.000+08:00

Updates~!

What's new? Well, Bpath tut is like finally over. Yeahhaa.. Sucha relieve.
Anp2 test also over. Another relieve.

After all that hectic preparations, I finally unwound myself today. Went for a swim with my cousin. I think I'm gonna make swimming at least a monthly activity. Seems fun already. Haha.. I wanna learn how to swim again.. ekeke..

Honestly I feel like quitting work la. Urgh. Im disgusted!!... by the totally unnecessary questions, and the totally unnecessary jealousy. WTH! Being interrogated as if Im your girl.... pls!

17 days since I last saw him, 7 days since I heard from him. And I'm still in love with him. Keep on thinking about the times we had, and each time I look at our photos, there's this warm fuzzy feeling in me which tells me, he's still the king of my heart.

2005-08-15T22:03:00.000+08:00

Extended my working hours yesterday by 2. Wanted to do till closing but wasn't allowed to. It's okie.. at least I got to claim back my lost hours on Sat. Did lotsa mistakes though yest. Lucky Jes wasn't on duty.. or else I mati alr! heh. that kinda rhymes. hahaha

Im jus so fuckin deadd lah kk... Bpath tut is tmr! n i noe no fuckin shiatzz.. hellppppp somebodyyy... i dun even understand dat idiotic article! so how do i go about answering the qns when i dunn understand d context?? n then, there's mol bio datasheets to do.. n then, there's Anp2 test on wed!! guess i'l have to burn d midnight oil muggin for d test tmr. Im jus so fckin stressed up! n it doesnt help tt i released my stress by eating n eating n eating, and playin underground 2! arghh.. nurul, u suck. i told you that long time ago, havent I?

worked today cuz my mondays lessons are non-existant anymore. Was in an OK mood all d while till those 3 munkeyss pissed d shit outta me. yy am i being mizunderstood? wen u giv your number to someone of d opposite sex, does it always hafta mean tt there's sth going on? cant it jus be a symbol of a frenship?? huhh???!! fckk la.. i noe he's jealous. i dun fkin giv a damn bout his jealousy. puhleazee kk.. we're nt even more than frens..

and i yearn to feel you physically........ miss you.